I am not a good girl friend.

26 dec 6:26pm
I miss you alot I still love you I feel bad not being able to give you present cause I'm broke. Just bear a couple more days my cheque clear I will be fine. I am sorry I am sick. I just want to take care of you do much and feel very down. I can only hope you wont give up... Muaks.

A righteous man is cautious in friendship (Prov 12:26)

Re-cap, I just want to keep all the sms from you that warm my heart so much. I know I have not been acting kind today and I am simply annoyed and irritated.

I am sorry if i have hurt you and timidity never got anyone anything. So I am going to tell you what I want here and again, dont get me wrong, this is not against you or blaming you. I just want to be direct and get things clear and done. Please dont get me wrong okay baby.

1. I never ask for present. I need your heart and love. Who cares abt xmas present when you dont give with love? I appreciate your thought to prepare it, dont think becoz i made something for you and you must return me a favour. never ever think that way okay. We used to celebrate random annivesary and wat not. There should not be a reason to buy a gift. I buy when i feel like it. I cancel my gym membership becoz to save that little money for you and us. If you need money, pls ask. This savings meant for you since your salary is not in on a regular basis. Please dont buy me any present. I dont want anything but you your love and heart. I need us to grow closer.

2. Are we still in a r/s? I guess not. I am super disappointed abt this. Tell me which part of us look like a couple other than texting each other everyday. and refering back to my previous blog, how many sms and calls we made? further more this is a long weekend, it's christmas (well, over!). Did we even meet?

We dont go out as often as before. Seems to me you are hiding and you scared to being seen in public with me. I feel really sad. Tell me, what would you do if you love the person? This is why it got me so pissed today. You told me last nite say wanted to tell me abt your dream and we supposed to meet up too. which now going to be sunday soon. no more saturday. I was disappointed. Very... Each time you tell me you will wan to share with me things but ended nothing. I wait and wait... *dry up*. I dont want to hear sorry. How many sorry can there be in your entire life? If my uncle can get back his life by saying sorry, i would say it every minute. Dont say sorry to me.I hate feeling sorry... i just want to treasure every minute i have without wasting it further..

3. I sms you, update my blog, write FB msg and etc so that you know what's going on with me daily. If I have a proper schedule, I would have text you everything like that day. but after all, i feel cold. Somehow, I feel, I am jst doing it for no purpose. I go out, i have entertainment, i ask you to come along and you are not interested. You go out, you nv bring me nv even inform me nevermind. like I say, im not your gf anymore. coz the whole world aware about this and by action, we dont live like one. I am sad. F'king irritated. (forgive me, i jst want to share with you about my feeling.) If you serious dont want anyone to know abt us, tell me, at least i know what to do. i would feel much thankful if you can be more open up..

I am hoping for a return from you, everyday i have been waiting for you. Hope you will start changing your mind and hope we can get better life. but again, my stupidity proof my idiotity right. I know you hate rain so that I ask u not to come over. when you called, there was an incoming call. So i guess you have your own plan. And you never bother to explain. Thats hurt. I dont want to repeat your path coz i know i will never want my partner to treat me that way. I want him to know everything abt me, i want him to be the closest to my world. I believe you know.

4. By telling me you love me and you miss me, i feel touched. You ask me not to give up, yes thanks, i wont.And i say you give 10% i give 110% in return. i mean it and I will deliver. I would love to keep my heart sweet and love growing. but i need support. A gardener cant grow the plants by just watering them everyday. They need more than just water. They need protection and love to grow stronger. Sometimes i jst dont know how to react. All i can do is keep giving. Give until it hurts, coz real love hurts.

Well, this is the last long weekend we have. then I will be away and the next long week will be in CNY. 2010 will be a short year to me. i want to treasure my 2010 as much as possible and this will be my 3rd year in singapore. And dont worry, i will never want to repeat all these again. like i say, i cant change the past, but i can make the future better. i dont want to bring forward anything, especially unhappy things that will affect my heart. Coz i want to continue to be loving. Dont dont get angry.. after i pour it out, i feel much better. ignore me if i say anything offended you. forgive me and i dun mean to hurt you. okay?

Thanks for punishing me. this helps me to grow! Im not perfect but i believe im slightly better.. humble abit. *laugh*

Alrite... enjoy your rest of the weekend.. I hope im not too pushy.. and you have your freedom. i dont want to force you. Im open for anything, just tell me everything.

good bye.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of like (Prov 13:12)

*lovely*